How to Survive a Breakup
Most breakup advice begins with feelings, which is understandable and, in the first week, the wrong order.
The first week is logistics: where you are sleeping, whose name is on what, what happens to the money, and who tells whom. Grief is easier to do from a stable base, and much harder while you are also discovering that a joint account has been emptied or that you are still liable for a lease you no longer live in.
So do the boring things first. The feelings are not going anywhere.
The emergency numbers in this guide are Australian. If you are somewhere else, call your own country’s emergency number instead — 911 in the United States and Canada, 999 in the United Kingdom, 112 across Europe and on most mobile phones worldwide. The advice itself applies wherever you are.
The 10-minute version
- Sort housing and money in the first week. Where you sleep, whose name is on the lease or mortgage, what happens to joint accounts and direct debits.
- Separate the finances before separating the emotions. Joint accounts, shared subscriptions, joint credit cards, and anything where one person can act alone.
- Tell few people, deliberately. You do not owe anyone an announcement, and each retelling costs something.
Week one: the logistics list
Housing
- Where are you sleeping for the next fortnight? Decide, do not improvise nightly
- Whose name is on the lease? If both, you remain jointly liable for the whole rent until it is formally changed. Contact the agent about a tenancy transfer or a lease break, in writing
- If it is a mortgage, do not make unilateral decisions. Get advice
- Change locks only if there is a safety concern, and check what your lease or state law permits
- If safety is a concern at all, that changes everything — see the note at the end
Money
- Joint accounts: anyone named can usually withdraw everything. Move your own money to a sole account, and tell them you have done so rather than doing it silently if it is amicable
- Joint credit cards and loans: you remain liable regardless of who spends. Reduce limits or close them by agreement, and get it in writing
- Direct debits and subscriptions: list every one and reassign or cancel
- Passwords and shared logins: change yours. Streaming, email, banking, cloud storage, shared devices
- Insurance and utilities: whose name, and who is paying from when
- If there are children or shared assets, get legal advice before agreeing anything. Free initial advice is available from community legal centres and Legal Aid
Practical
- Redirect mail
- Update your address with bank, employer, Medicare and the electoral roll
- Retrieve documents — passport, birth certificate, licence
- Take photographs of anything you may need to prove belonged to you
The emotional part, honestly
- Expect it to be physical. Sleep disruption, appetite change, inability to concentrate. This is not weakness; it is what loss does, and it passes.
- Do the physical layer. Eat at normal times, drink water, get outside daily, sleep on a schedule even badly. A surprising share of “I cannot cope” is dehydration, no food and no daylight.
- Structure the days. Especially weekends, which are the hardest. Plan something for Saturday morning before Friday arrives.
- Tell a small number of people and let them be useful in specific ways: a meal, a walk, help moving boxes. Vague sympathy helps less than a specific offer accepted.
- Do not decide anything permanent for a few weeks — moving cities, quitting a job, getting a tattoo, sending the long message.
- Contact rules help. A period of no contact is easier than a negotiated trickle, and it is not a punishment; it is bandwidth.
- Social media: mute rather than dramatically unfollow. Less information is genuinely kinder to yourself.
- Expect non-linear. Fine for three days then flattened is the normal shape, not a relapse.
The things that make it worse
Trying to be friends immediately. Sometimes possible later, almost never straight away, and attempting it usually resets the clock.
The relationship post-mortem by text, at midnight. Nothing gets resolved and it is preserved forever.
Recruiting mutual friends to take sides. It costs you friendships you will want later.
Checking their social media. It is information you cannot use, and it re-injures on a schedule.
Drinking through it. It disrupts the sleep that is doing the recovery work.
Rebounding immediately, which delays the processing rather than replacing it.
Rewriting history in either direction — that it was all terrible, or that it was perfect. Neither is true and both make it harder.
When to get help
Grief after a breakup is normal. These are worth acting on:
- Not sleeping at all for more than a week
- Not eating, or drinking heavily most days
- Unable to work or function for more than a couple of weeks
- Thoughts of harming yourself — Lifeline 13 11 14, or 000 if you are in immediate danger
- A GP is a reasonable first stop for any of the above, and a mental health treatment plan can subsidise sessions with a psychologist
If there is fear, control, stalking, threats, or a violent history, this is not a breakup logistics problem. 1800RESPECT — 1800 737 732 is free, confidential and 24 hours, and they can help with safety planning, which is a specific process. In immediate danger, 000.
Thresholds
| Situation | The rule |
|---|---|
| Week one | Housing and money sorted before anything else |
| Joint accounts | Move your own funds to a sole account. Any named holder can empty it |
| Joint lease | Both liable until formally changed. Contact the agent in writing |
| Joint debts | Liability continues regardless of who spends. Close or reduce by agreement, in writing |
| Children or shared assets | Legal advice before agreeing anything |
| Big life decisions | Nothing permanent for a few weeks |
| Contact | A clean break is easier than a negotiated trickle |
| Not functioning after two weeks | See a GP |
| Fear, control or threats | 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732, or 000 |
What it costs
| Tier | Spend | What it buys |
|---|---|---|
| Free | $0 | The logistics list, changing passwords, redirecting mail, a small number of specific offers of help accepted |
| Free | $0 | Community legal centres and Legal Aid for initial advice; Lifeline 13 11 14; 1800RESPECT |
| Subsidised | $0–90/session | A GP mental health treatment plan, which reduces the cost of psychology sessions |
| Varies | $500–3,000+ | A lease break, bond disputes, moving costs, replacing shared furniture. Budget for it in week one |
The drill: the week-one page
Write these on one page and work down it. That is the whole method.
- ☐ Where I am sleeping for the next 14 nights
- ☐ Lease or mortgage: whose name, what I have asked for, in writing
- ☐ Joint accounts: my money moved to a sole account
- ☐ Joint cards and loans: limits reduced or closed, in writing
- ☐ Direct debits and subscriptions listed, reassigned or cancelled
- ☐ Passwords changed on everything
- ☐ Documents retrieved
- ☐ Mail redirected, address updated
- ☐ Three people told, with one specific thing asked of each
- ☐ Something in the calendar for Saturday morning
- ☐ GP appointment booked if I am not sleeping or eating
Frequently asked questions
What should I do first after a breakup?
Housing and money, in the first week. Where you are sleeping, whose name is on the lease or mortgage, moving your funds out of joint accounts, and cancelling or reassigning direct debits. Grief is much harder from an unstable base.
Am I still liable for a lease if I move out?
If your name is on it, generally yes — jointly for the whole rent until the tenancy is formally changed. Contact the agent in writing about a transfer or a lease break, and check your state’s rules.
What happens to a joint bank account?
Typically any named holder can withdraw the full balance. Move your own money to a sole account promptly, and be aware the same applies to joint credit cards, where liability continues regardless of who spent it.
Should we stay friends?
Rarely straight away. Attempting it immediately tends to reset the recovery clock for both people. A period of no contact is not a punishment — it is bandwidth, and it makes a later friendship more possible rather than less.
How long does it take to feel normal?
Non-linearly, and longer than you want. Fine for three days then flattened is the usual shape rather than a relapse. If you are not sleeping, not eating, or unable to function after a couple of weeks, see a GP.
What if I am scared of them?
Then this is not a logistics problem. Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 — free, confidential, 24 hours — for safety planning, or 000 if you are in immediate danger.